Redeemer: Part Two

From Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands by Paul David Trip.

Dedicated to the love of my life: In the spirit of being the change I want to see, this is to you… For us.

What were your goals for your marriage when you were engaged?

To he honest, I was expecting the happily ever after. I wanted love and happiness and fireworks: Nothing less would suffice.

That was the codependent perfectionist/ fixer upper/ lost little girl in me, not too long ago.

I guess my expectations have evolved over time. Now, I understand the level of commitment and sacrifice it takes to preserve a marriage. The fucking blood, sweat, and tears. And the fucking, for sure. And the crying and fighting. Sometimes, at the same time. 

To me, marriage is a forever thing. It’s two people promising each other to never give up – even when it gets ugly and hard. I have had to remind myself of that almost daily over the last two years.

To my core, I still believe in the same things. I still believe marriage is a lifetime commitment. That never changed. It’s just that, as I’ve begun to take better care of myself on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level, I tend to feel even more at odds with the validity of my relationship and my vows post affair. I can’t help but wonder if they come at too high a price. I can’t help but wonder if they mean more to me than they do to him. It’s enough to keep me awake some nights.
I just need so many reassurances that aren’t humanly possible. I don’t know that he won’t walk out on our marriage. I don’t know if he will betray his vows again. I don’t know if I can trust him. There are so many what-ifs… It’s almost nauseating. And I am so fearful and so afraid every single day that these nightmares will become reality again.

That’s why my soul-priority  and goals have been self-centered… Healing my spirit and my self-worth, so that even if we aren’t okay, I still will be able to pick myself up and carry on. And I feel like if I get to a place where I know in my heart that I am living for me and to my benefit and passion and happiness, everything else would hopefully just fall in line.

If I had to put into words, though, what I want for my marriage now. I would say I’d like to see my marriage in a state of novelty, instead of necessity. (That would take some of the pressure of both of us.) I think we should both continue with therapy to work our own indivdual shit out- and as a couple, too. I want us to keep dating each other and enjoying each other. And, at this moment in time, I just want to keep moving forward. 

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